Dear Lovely, As a dating coach I see in my clients alot of the same unhealthy & loca patterns I have gone through myself.
Today's blog is dedicated to one of the most heart breaking and hair pulling patterns I have had to overcome.
I call it the "Seriously? He is leaving ME??!!" Pattern
You see, Somehow the men I dated had a long list of shortcomings or I always felt like "something was missing", yet I stayed.
I fought on. I tried. I read tons of books on relationships, I read books on communication. I gave him space if he needed it, attention when he was ready. Understanding and patience were my middle name when it came to them. I once decorated one guys room full of his favorite artifacts for his birthday, one guys mom hated me and I put up with her passive-aggressive behavior constantly, another guy I drove thousands of miles to see him when he missed me, and even dressed as a edible cupcake for one. I went to therapists, I'd ask him to counseling with me. (Is it really a surprise they left me?)
The list goes on.
I bent over backwards so much that I broke
ALL IN HOPES OF "MAKING IT WORK"
YET.......they always left me! Cheated usually, I usually felt totally BLIND-SIDED, I thought they were happy. or I thought damn if anyone should be leaving this unhealthy and toxic relationship IT SHOULD BE ME! ....
So Why didn't I?
Why did I try so hard?
Why did I stay so long? (Even after he left me, I mentally stayed in the relationship for a LONG time)
The Big Disconnect and what I didn't get is that I'm a smart chickie, just like you.
If you know me, you might know I was voted most likely to succeed in elementary school, was an honor society student and graduated with a bachelors in nursing and minor in psychology from Rutgers University.
Hell, I even took my college level Biology class at HARVARD when in I was still in high school!
I am sharing this with you because YOU are probably very accomplished too.
And yet when in comes to your relationships, you bend over backwards for them.
Most of the time you are the one obsessing over him, putting the real muscle and effort into the relationship.
Your friends even tell you it doesn't make sense.
It's not about being smart or having a good head on your shoulders. It's not even about being a strong woman.
It's about the ingrained thoughts, emotions, and actions we have inside of us.
So unless you take a good look at it, take exact steps to process it , and integrate into your current lifestyle......these crazy LOCA thinking patterns stay with us no matter how much we fight it.
Don't get me wrong, relationships take effort and love. There will be challenges and obstacles.
But like I told my client this week, if you've never built a tent before, isn't easier and more fun if you do it with someone else AND they are into it too!
It's not fun if you are the only one trying & fumbling putting the tent together when someone else is just sitting, sitting there comfortably eating up all the marshmallows!
And if you aren't sure what is the difference between the phenomenon I just described VS. putting healthy effort into the relationship is this......
Ask yourself this one question......
If I stopped putting all the effort I am currently putting into the relationship for a few weeks even month would my relationship crumble?
Go ahead and try it, I am not saying don't put any effort or to be an Asshole yourself, I am saying go ahead just as a test, stop OVER exerting yourself.
Let him do his thing, stop correcting him, or recommending things to him, or cooking when it's not your night or when your tired, stop reminding him of things all the time, and stop reminding him of all the things he should be doing for you. (kinda sounds like a son right? lol I know.)
Basically stop dressing up like a cupcake just because it's what you think he needs or asks for.
I mean I still think it was cool that I dressed up like a cupcake and honestly I would dress up like a cupcake any day for the right man, the problem is that he didn't dress up like "Magic Mike" and dance for me when I asked him to.
I have a friend that I feel treats her guy like a king (which is cool), except it seems like he treats her like the house servant.....the wench (not cool) instead of the amazing queen she truly is.
And I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on her or ends up being the one that leaves one day. The craziest thing is that he has even told her himself, "You deserves better".......I have been told the same thing and it's usually code for "I finally realize I can't make you happy and you deserve to be happy"
This is why I do what I do, you are meant to be truly happy and feel all the love you freely give. and this is exactly what I am teaching about in my 4 week workshop going on right now, that you can still join.
There are only 2 spots open.
Place: Passaic, NJ
Next class: 3/21/15
Contact me 980.458.2525 or email firstname.lastname@example.org to join or get further information on private coaching.